Monday, September 19, 2011

A Comprehensive List of Changes in the Star Wars Blu Ray Collection


Last Friday saw the release of the Star Wars Blu Ray collection, otherwise known as the “Super Special Editions”. Using 2011 technology, George Lucas has finally been able to bring the films in line with his original vision. As you can imagine, the new effects blend seamlessly with movies that are 30 years old. As a rabid and unemployed Star Wars fan, I have spent the last several weeks selling my plasma/mouth to gain the funds necessary to purchase the set during the September 16th midnight release. This past weekend, I watched a twelve hour marathon of the entire series whilst wearing my Boss Nass cosplay gear and huffing computer duster. Many of the changes and additions will be obvious to diehard fans, but others are more subtle. For the sake of less eagle-eyed viewers than myself, I have included a comprehensive list of all of the new scenes and effects. I think that we can all agree that all of these changes significantly improve the movies.


A New Hope: 

·         Han no longer shoots Greedo at all. Instead, due to a confluence of bizarre coincidences, Greedo is shot by himself, the bartender, and Ponda Boba’s severed arm.
·         When Han steps on Jabba’s tail, Jabba lets out a very loud, very wet-sounding fart. We then smash cut to an audibly chuckling Boba Fett, which reveals that he has a good sense of humor and is not such a bad guy.  
·         When the Millennium Falcon shoots Darth Vader’s TIE Fighter off of Luke’s tail, we see a digitally inserted cup of coffee spill onto Vader’s lap. He bellows “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”   
·         During Luke’s flight along the Death Star trench, numerous utterances of “Yipee!”, “Wizard!”, and “Now this is podracing!” are overdubbed.
·         Chewbacca still does not receive a medal at the victory celebration. However, there is an added scene where Chewbacca drunkenly registers his displeasure at this snub by grabbing his crotch and screaming obscenities at C3-PO. 

The Empire Strikes Back: 

·         After Admiral Piet briefs Darth Vader while the latter is seated in his meditation chamber, we smash cut to the interior of the chamber, where Vader is reaching for a toilet paper roll. We see the bare cardboard tube, and Vader screams “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”  
·         Lucas was always dissatisfied with the Yoda puppet. It has been digitally replaced with an Elmo puppet. 

Return of the Jedi:

·         Lucas never liked the scene after Luke kills the Rancor wherein the Rancor’s keeper cries over the slain beast, because it makes Luke look like a monster. To mitigate this, C3-PO explains that he’s crying because it ruined the Rancor and his keeper’s plan to rape a baby Ewok later that evening.
·         The Sarlacc pit now has a pair of giant womanly legs on either side. Additionally, Lando female-circumcises it by slicing one of the protuberances off with Luke’s lightsaber.
·         After  Jabba’s yacht explodes, there is a scene of Boba Fett using his jetpack to escape from the Sarlaac pit. After landing, he looks into the camera and says, “Good thing I had my trusty jetpack! What kind of crazy adventures will I get into next? Be sure to find out by reading The Further Travels of Boba Fett, available at fine bookstores everywhere!”
·         Nien Numb, Lando’s copilot in the Millennium Falcon, has been digitally replaced with Jar Jar Binks. Sample dialogue includes “Weesa gonna make Death Star go boom boom!”, to which Lando laughs heartily.
·         All Ewoks now having blinking eyelids. Also, visible genitalia.
·         As rumored, Darth Vader yells “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”  while the Emperor electrocutes Luke. Also, Luke is yelling “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” the entire time, and the Emperor also screams “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” while falling down the shaft.   
·         During the campfire scene with the spirits of Obi-Wan Kenobi, Yoda, and Anakin Skywalker, additional ghosts have been added. These include Qui-Gon Jinn, all of the younglings Anakin murdered, Jango Fett, that cone-headed Jedi, the actual Coneheads as portrayed by Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtain, Mace Windu’s severed hand, and Jabba’s monkey-like pet Salacious Crumb (who is revealed to have been a secret Jedi).

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