The 5 Worst Superhero Movies of the Modern Era

This summer will see the release of the two most hyped superhero movies since the genre re-exploded over a decade ago. The first, May’s The Avengers, is the culmination of five movies released over a four year period. The other highly anticipated release, July’s The Dark Knight Rises, is the final entry in Christopher Nolan’s acclaimed Batman trilogy. The previous entry, The Dark Knight, is one of the highest grossing films of all time. In addition to these, this summer also features the completely unnecessary Spiderman reboot as well as an equally unneeded Ghost Rider sequel. As mentioned, the superhero dominance of the world’s cinemas began over ten years ago, starting (in my estimation, anyway) with 1998’s Blade. Since then, the superhero genre has produced a handful of gems, innumerable mediocrities, and a few piles of kryptonite-studded shit. This post details the worst superhero movies squatted into theaters since 1998, the ones whose origins include getting bitten by a radioactive turd and gaining all the abilities thereof. 

Note: This list will have some notable exceptions, including Catwoman and Elektra. They are not included because I don’t hate myself enough (yet) to sit through these – by literally all accounts – horrendous entries. Additionally, these movies’ badness are well-documented across the internet, with dozens of podcasts and reviews ripping them a new coolie hole. If you want to experience these movies getting savaged, bring up Google on your internet browser and simply type in the titles; it’s all you’ll find. 

5. Ghost Rider

Ghost Rider is a pretty ridiculous, perhaps retarded, concept at its core. The "Faust by way of Evel Keneval" premise is by its nature a very 70’s grindhouse idea. If you were (for some reason) going to make a movie of it, the best approach would probably be some kind of semi-low budget Roger Corman-style schlock with lots of gore effects. The worst approach would be to make it a high budget, slickly produced blockbuster directed by hack extraordinaire Mark Steven Johnson and staring Nicholas Cage during one of his manic phases. The effects are lousy, the story is complete horseshit, the villains are awful (some elemental-based assholes, a burnt-out Peter Fonda, Wes Bentley, Wes Bentley’s haircut). Overall, it's a highly uninspiring flick. The reason it's #5 and not higher is because it does have a few redeeming qualities. Sam Elliot as cowboy Ghost Rider is cool, and I would actually like to see a movie about that guy. Also, the bizarre acting choices from everyone (Cage, Mendes, Fonda, etc.) at least pushes Ghost Rider into so-bad-it's-watchable territory. In spite of all logic and economics, this year features a sequel from the mad geniuses behind the Crank duology, proving that there is a higher power of some kind. Whether it’s benevolent or not is left to interpretation.

4. Superman Returns

Being a fan of Superman ain't easy. The general populace views him as the pinnacle of the boring authority figure, and it seems that the mission of Superman Returns is to definitively prove this. It's relentlessly boring. Superman's heroism is limited to lifting things, and I cringe when he acts like a bitch when Lex Luthor and his goons rough him up. Kate Bosworth sucks and only adds to the boring quotient. Kevin Spacey chews scenery like he on an all-carbs diet. I don't know if there's a more damning indictment than the fact that Superman, in his own movie, is less heroic and effective than Cyclops. For some reason, filmmakers refuse to move past the not-that-great-in-retrospect Richard Donner films. This film is a direct continuation of Superman II, despite being made some two decades afterward. Zach Synder’s upcoming Superman movie also seems slavishly devoted to Donner, featuring the same villains as Superman II. Let’s try something new, fellas. Also, enough with the Jesus imagery. Superman isn't Jesus.

3. Blade Trinity

There were a lot of things going against the third Blade movie. The two stars (Snipes and Kristofferson) didn't want to do the damn thing. It features the second worst Dracula to ever disgrace the silver screen (see Van Helsing for number 1). Jessica Biel advertises iPods for the full run time. Ryan Reynolds is at his absolute worst with constant unfunny one-liners. The story, such as it is, goes nowhere. All of these elements combine to form the perfect cinematic shitstorm. The first two Blade flicks, while not masterpieces, are fun B-movies. This is just unwatchable, miserable dreck. Instead of throwing Snipes into the clink for tax evasion, he should be charged with crimes against cinema. The only redeeming quality is that the DVD commentary led to this amazing YTMND.

2. Hancock

Now we're getting into the real crap. I fucking hate Hancock. Part of the reason it’s so execrable is because the premise is actually pretty decent. The idea of a bum who happens to have superpowers is original, and there were endless avenues to take it. The first act, during which Hancock stops being a piece of shit and tries to become a hero, hums along nicely. Hancock’s character arc is basically complete after the first 40 minutes, and it wraps up with a nicely done action scene. As a television pilot, it would have been promising. Unfortunately, it’s a feature film, and it has another hour-plus to go. The tone is all over the place, vacillating from comedy to action to drama and back again. The best example of this is as follows: in one scene, Hancock literally puts one man's head into another man's asshole. An hour later, these guys are two of the main villains. Sorry, I'm not going to take these guys seriously after one has been face to face with the insides of the other guy's colon. The mythology the movie pathetically attempts to establish is utter nonsense. Any potential it had in the early goings is totally eradicated by the time the credits roll.

1. X-Men: Origins: Wolverine: The First X-Man: Starring Logan: The Origin of the X-Man Wolverine

Wolverine has some of the same problems as Hancock: a decent first act, followed by an hour plus of pure, mutant shit. The scene where Wolverine looks at his new metal claws in the bathroom mirror could be the worst scene I've ever seen in a movie, period. The effects somehow look worse than the same effects from X-Men, a movie made 9 years prior to this one. This film also features not one but TWO scenes wherein a character screams “NO!” while the camera pulls up above them, which has to be one of the worst crimes a director can commit. John Landis should feel prouder about decapitating Vic Morrow on the set of The Twilight Zone than Gavin Hood should about these shots. For some insane reason, the filmmakers thought it was their duty (doodie) to explain everything about the title character: how he got his metal skeleton, how he got his name, how he got his motherfucking jacket! One would think that the Star Wars prequels would have taught everyone that some things in the past are better left unexplored. Instead, the filmmakers chose to dig into the past, and instead of gold, they found petrified dinosaur shit.

Dishonorable mentions: Green Lantern (2011), Spiderman 3 (2007), both Fantastic Four movies (2005 and 2007, but especially the first), and Daredevil (2003).