Nudity has long been a tricky subject in the American film industry. Unlike our filthy European counterparts, who are all too happy to include explicit fellatio in everything but children’s movies (where only verbal references to oral sex are permitted), American filmmakers are constrained by the Draconian policies of the MPAA. Because our First Amendment rights allow us to say whatever the fuck shit hell ass cunt we want, the MPAA can’t actually prevent anyone from including stiff dicks or split beavs in their movies; they can, however, slap an NC-17 rating on them, which is generally regarded as a financial kiss of death. As a result, nudity (especially of the full frontal variety) is exceedingly rare in American cinema. The MPAA has its roots in the notorious Hayes Code, which forbade obscenity (which included everything from profanity to blasphemy to sexual content) in film. By the 1970s, restrictions were relaxed, and basically every director in that decade had a field day with including nudity. Seriously, pick any random film from the 70’s, and there is a 75% chance that there will be a pair of bare breasts contained therein. I’m surprised Stars Wars doesn’t have a loose set of titties. Anyway, this influx in nakedness (as well as explicit language) was largely an attempt to add verisimilitude to the proceedings, which I appreciate; there’s nothing that takes me out of a movie faster than showing a couple interacting post-coitus and the woman has a blanket pulled over breasts, suddenly coy after her partner has literally had his penis inside of her. Adding realism is the second most popular reason to include nudity for both males and females. The number one reason for the inclusion of female nudity is, of course, titillating the audience. I would estimate that 9/10s of female nudity in major U.S. film releases is designed to cause the male viewers to shift in their seats, if you know what I mean (I’m talking about repositioning their erections to reduce discomfort). 2001’s Swordfish is one of the prime examples of this sort of nudity. In this movie, there is an entirely pointless scene in which Halle Berry exposes her jugs. The scene advances neither plot nor characterization (other than the fact that Halle Berry’s character likes to sunbathe topless, I guess). It was filmed solely to give the men in the audience boners.
Male nudity (or dudeity, as it is sometimes known), is exhibited in movies for entirely different reasons. Women, in general, are not aroused by the mere sight of a swinging johnson (they find money, chocolate, and, apparently, vampires far more erotic). Especially over the past few years, male nudity has been presented in movies primarily for comedic reasons. For example, weens have been featured in Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story (2007), Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008), Bruno (2009), Observe and Report (2009), and The Hangover (2009). There are two reasons audiences – both male and female – find schlongs so hilarious. For one thing, there is the element of surprise. Comedy is said to be the collision of the familiar and the unexpected; of course everyone is acquainted with at least one dick, but few expect them to be projected on a 20 foot screen in glorious 1:85:1 aspect ratio. A textbook example of this appears in Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story, wherein the title character (portrayed by John C. Reilly) is on the telephone while a nude man stands in the middle of the frame, cock exposed for God and everyone to see. The comedy results from both Reilly’s nonchalant reaction to the penis, as well as the uncomfortably and shockingly long time it is visible on screen. Another reason for the humorous exploitation of penis is the anatomical characteristics of that particular organ. Frankly, they look ridiculous, dangling limply like a sullen turtle’s head. Clinically miniscule peens are even more preposterous, and are lovingly showcased in both Observe and Report and The Hangover.
The question that must be asked in light of these facts is: does Hollywood treat the cock fairly? After all, the vulva would never suffer the indignities the penis has, treated as an object of mockery and ridicule. Could the gender politics of Hollywood be so inverted that we are conditioned to giggle at the once-powerful phallus while the proverbial pussy is put on the proverbial pedestal? Could conservatives have been right about the movie industry all these years? Ultimately, I think the penis is handled appropriately by the film industry (if only I could say the same about my marriage). As pointed out above, its appearance is patently absurd, and thus ripe for comedy. Furthermore, while dicks are primarily used for humor purposes, they are not used exclusively to this end. David Cronenberg’s Eastern Promises (2007), for example, features a vicious fight scene in which a nude Viggo Mortensen kicks the asses of two Russian gangsters; his kibble n’ bits are visible the entire time and react appropriately to his flying kicks. As long as the male member is not shown solely in the context of comedy, we can rest (our hands) easy (on our dicks).
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