The Secret Filth of Rihanna’s “Rude Boy”: It’s Not What You Think

Editor's Note: When I wrote this originally for a now-defunct blog, it was contemporary. Let your mind drift back to the halcyon days of May 2010 for full enjoyment of this article.

The popular music landscape has changed greatly since The Beatles recorded “I Want to Hold Your Hand” in 1963. In those days, societal norms prevented Paul McCartney from singing about what his heart actually desired, which likely went beyond mere hand-holding. The notion of the 20-something lead singer of the most popular band in the world singing about holding hands in contemporary times is absurd. Today we are (fairly) comfortable with lovable tyke Justin Beiber talking about having a “lover” (specifically, an “eenie meanie minie mo lover,” whatever the fuck that means). Our views on sexuality have loosened and become less puritanical in the past 40 years, but not to the point that we have total freedom to discuss explicit detail in a public forum. As a result, pop musicians now walk a tightrope between conveying realistic lust and keeping their lyrics radio-friendly. Most of the time, they tumble off of this tightrope and splatter gorily on the ground below. Take, for example, Lady GaGa’s “Lovegame,” wherein she informs a gentleman that she would like to “take a ride on [his] disco stick.” This lyric utterly fails as a double entendre because, to my knowledge, there is no such thing as a disco stick, let allow one that is able to be ridden. Obviously, the radio-listening audience knows she is talking about fucking this guy doggy, cowgirl, or possibly reverse cowgirl style; more accurate lyrics would be “I wanna take a ride on your big fat dick” (see, even the correct rhythm scheme and number of syllables). However, FCC regulations prevent the broadcast of lyrics such as these and, because she wants to sell records, GaGa instead tries to force an awkward simile into the song. And it sucks. However, it doesn’t always have to. Filthy sex lyrics can be made interesting without clumsy wordplay.

As with Lady GaGa’s “Lovegame,” no one can accuse Rihanna’s latest hit “Rude Boy” of being coy or subtle about its intentions. From the first line, it’s clear what Rihanna is getting at: she would enjoy, if at all possible, getting fucked by a giant cock. Although in the beginning of the song Rihanna expresses some misgivings concerning whether the uncouth gentleman in question can both “get it up” and is “big enough,” she goes on to talk about how she is going to allow him to be “the captain” and “a rider”, using dirty talk like “giddy up, giddy up, giddy up, babe.” Later in the song, she also talks about some radio-approved light S & M, including Rihanna’s approval of having her hair pulled and being told to “kiss ya there” (which could refer to, in order of likelihood: his mushroom cap, his ballsack, his asshole, or his taint). Again, even though the entire point of the song is that Rihanna loves taking humongous schlong all the way to the root, all of this is conveyed in a PG-13 (and thus boring) manner.

The only interesting part of the song, and the reason I’ve written about it, comes in the middle of the song, during which Rihanna takes charge of their intimate relations. Check out the following lyrics:

Tonight I’mma give it to you harder
Tonight I’mma turn your body out
Relax, let me do it how I wanna
If you got it, I need it
And I’mma put it down

Buckle up, I’mma give it to you stronger
Hands up, we can go a little longer
Tonight I’mma get a little crazy
Get a little crazy, baby

The above represents an interesting choice of words, especially for a female singer. In my vast and unimpeachable sexual experience, I’ve never heard a woman say that she was going to “give it” hard, strong, or in any other particular way. In fact, the anatomical reality is that it’s impossible for females to in fact “give it.” Even taking into account the malleability of slang, this is unusual diction. I do not believe that this portion of the song refers to Rihanna’s dick taking habits. As such, an alternative hypothesis must be proffered. Based on the above lyrics, I would say with reasonable confidence that Rihanna is talking her boyfriend into some pegging. Here, finally, we have an example of when censoring leads to somewhat interesting lyrics. As a society, we are pretty far from accepting male hetero buttplay. Because of this, Rihanna cleverly dances around the subject by hiding it in the middle of the song, in a similar manner to how she hides the sausage in her boyfriend’s bung. This song illustrates how radio-acceptable content can remain both raunchy and clever.

As a brief finale, I also want to point out an example of the opposite problem described above: being so explicit that the listening audience has no idea what the hell you’re talking about. In the track “Bedrock,” Nicki Minaj, one of the 25 to 30 featured artists, explains that “it’s time I put this pussy on yo sideburns.” The logistics of such an act are questionable. Is putting one’s vagina against a fellow’s facial hair a new sexual fetish, or is Nicki saying that her vagina is so wide that, by sitting on her partner’s face, it will touch both sideburns simultaneously? I’m seriously asking.