Things That Are Terrible, No. 2: Does a Bear Wipe in the Woods?

Throughout the history of television, advertisers have had to find a way to sell intimate items without offending audiences’ delicate sensibilities and while remaining within federally mandated perimeters. Changing cultural mores have eased the commercial maker’s burden, however, and we have gone from displaying braziers on mannequins to having supermodels in lingerie practically scissoring on the catwalk. This is not a complaint; far be it from me to pine for the commercials of yesteryear, especially if modern ads feature Sapphic overtones. Having said that, I feel that there are some products whose functions do not need to be explicitly demonstrated. Chief among these is toilet paper. Everyone in the Western world is familiar with the function and necessity of this product. For years, probably decades, toilet paper commercials consisted of a split screen with disembodied hands pouring that ubiquitous blue liquid (an all-purpose proxy for kitchen spills, urine, feces, and menstrual waste) on two competing brands to test their “absorbency” and strength. Within the past few years, however, one company has strayed from this formula with their toilet tissue advertisements. The results are, in a word, terrible.

There is a hoary, stock sarcastic remark that can be made in response to a question with an obvious answer: “Does a bear shit in the woods?” Charmin has decided to answer this question with a resounding “Yes, constantly.” Their ad executives have introduced a family of cartoon bears who are in a perpetual state of fecal emergency. One commercial features a young bear unfurling yard after yard of toilet tissue with which to wipe her shitty ass, while the mother instructs the bear lass that, no matter how shitty her ass is, just a few sheets of Charmin’s superior absorbency TP is sufficient. Another ad features the mama bear offering papa bear an espresso, which he enjoys heartily, but which unfortunately gives him a severe and urgent case of the runs. This particular commercial has a clever double meaning – on one level, papa bear asks of the espresso how so much can be contained in such a small package, implicitly drawing a comparison to how Charmin is able to pack so much absorbency in a single roll. Also, caffeine makes you have to go doodie, so when papa bear drinks the espresso, break out the Charmin, cause he’s going to shit buckets! The all time worst, however, focuses more specifically on the bears’ rectal hygiene. One bear, apparently after a vigorous wiping session with an inferior brand, bends over to reveal a number of dingle berries attached to his posterior. Is this necessary? The information conveyed – that other, non-Charmin brands are more prone to tearing – is just as clearly transmitted through the traditional “blue liquid split screen” described above. Based on these advertisements, I would wager that we are no more than two years away from watching a cartoon bear literally take a shit onscreen. And from there, toilet paper commercials will continue to spiral out of control. Within ten years (a liberal estimate – it’s probably closer to five), Angel Soft commercials will be shot from inside the commode, so we can get a point-of-view perspective of the entire bathroom process. George Orwell wrote that a picture of the future was a boot stomping a human face forever, but he was wrong; a picture of the future is a bear with toilet paper stuck to its asshole – forever.