Things That Are Terrible, No. 1: Long Distance Door Holders

With Door Wide Open

Millions of years of evolution as well as thousands of years of civilization have engendered in humans a proclivity toward pro-social behavior. This drive manifests itself in a number of ways, ranging from the micro (surrendering a seat on a subway to an elderly rider) to the macro (participating in the electoral process to pass laws that are beneficial to society). An excellent recent example of widespread pro-social behavior is the tremendous amount of money raised by the Hope for Haiti fundraiser. Many would contend that the human capacity for compassion is our greatest attribute as a species. However, there are particular circumstances under which the desire to help other results in a misfire. Instead of committing an act of random kindness, the initiator of the action instead engages in wanton annoyingness, and that, dear readers, is terrible.

The particular example I have in mind is the simple action of holding a door open for another person. It is a scenario that many of us experience daily, if not several times a day. I’d like to preface my complaint by stating that, in general, I have no problem with holding a door open for someone. In the correct conditions, it is a minor act of politeness, a small sign that the fundamental building blocks of society are still in place. But when the door holder is half a football field away from the recipient, the action becomes an absurd spectacle. I’ll refer to this as long distance door holding (LDDH). First, I think it is important to analyze the benefits obtained by both parties from a normal door holding instance. The holder gains a small measure of self-satisfaction from helping their fellow human. The person for whom the door is held is spared the inconvenience of having to open the door themselves, which, under certain circumstances (e.g., when holding groceries), is actually helpful. Now compare these benefits to what happens during a LDDH episode. The door holder must remain frozen in the uncomfortable position of propping the door open while the recipient must engage in an awkward walk/jog to quickly reach the destination. It is an uncomfortable situation for both participants and is advantageous to neither. The well-intentioned deed becomes an inconvenience for both parties.

So what then can we do about this? I propose to you, reader, that the revolution must begin with you. If someone trails you by more than twenty feet, do not hold the door open for them. You’ll be doing a service to both yourself and the other person. If someone far in front of you holds a door, do not reinforce them by hurrying to the door. Instead, continue at the same leisurely pace you would if the door was closed. Society is responsible for the cult of LDDH, and society is merely an extension of our collective attitudes. If we want to eliminate this annoyance, we have to make a stand, preferably while not against a door jamb.